so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
