Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
