The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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