I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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