Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
