my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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