I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
