i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
