I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
