Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
