Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
