Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
