She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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