The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
