Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
