If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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