so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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