He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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