apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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