Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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