party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
