I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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