at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
