Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
