I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
