hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
