Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize