this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
