return my video game
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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