Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
