i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
