I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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