If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Drake has all the answers
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
