Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
