Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
