Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
