If you're really into hairy Serbian chicks, Cleveland has a lot to offer(216): We're going to cougar night, the serbian chicks are the best aged.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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