I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
