i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize