So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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