Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
