So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
