I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
