I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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