11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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