Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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