why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
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