Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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