I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I look better un-naked...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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