I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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