Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
