Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
