alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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