My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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