I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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