was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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