He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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